Care and Feeding

Congratulations! You have been approved by the Anti-Proliferation Subcommittee of the Intergalactic Bioconservation Regulation Commission to adopt two individuals of Species tX-813.41.6.3!

Known to their own kind as "humans", they have been rated "utterly useless" by most scientists. But with proper care they can make adequate pets.

You can expect delivery by quantum reassembly waveform in seven to ten standard cycles. 

The Subcommittee reminds you that the Xi’Chk’Aong Accords are in full effect for your world across all planes and timelines, and will be strictly enforced. Under the Accords, Species tX-813.41.6.3 is:

• a Class IX memotoxin vector;
• a Schedule 13c restricted genotype; and 
• a Level 1 meta-offense against morally underdeveloped cultures. 

Their containment must be regarded as the highest priority in any situation, regardless of any probability analysis or prescient abilities.

You have been assigned Mentor JASON PETER GREGORY (self-identified as “Jay-Pegs”) to assist you in training your new pets. 

Jay-Pegs was taken by the Omicron Greys Affiliation after he witnessed them vandalizing indigenous livestock. (We know. We are talking to them about that.) He was found intoxicated with a sprained lower-limb ankle and recently added body illustrations (a heart with “MAGRET 4EFR” on his pectoral muscle, and a container of his preferred intoxicant and “THE CHAMPANE OF BERRS” on his upper left limb). He also appeared to have significant cognitive impairment, perhaps from prolonged exposure to some form of crude herbal medicine.

After he made advances on each member of the ship’s crew, and attempted self-gratification on an atmospheric incineration torpedo, Jay-Pegs was deemed unlikely to thrive in his native environment. He was kept in captivity and trained to acclimate others of his species to intergalactic life.

Detailed instructions, regulations, and general well-wishes will arrive on the same wave as your new pets. Before/after/during/to the left of that moment (according to your native perception of time), you will review these critical preparation protocols to ensure a successful and largely non-lethal adoption:

• Attempting to breed this species is extremely dangerous; their offspring’s natural vocalizations carry Threat Level Omega psionic distress tones and have been known to cause interstellar conflicts. Breeding Species tX-813.41.6.3 is an extreme violation and will be punished by complete retroactive annihilation from all planes and timelines.
• Do not feed Species tX-813.41.6.3 any form of phytonutrient gases, including but not limited to:  Fargine Smell-o-Yum, Hyperprobability Solution #9, and Smoka-Cola. The bigger-stinkier body types are very entertained by their ability to metabolize these gases into a crude chemical weapon. This usually results in their slow death by becoming purple, bloated, and spherical. Also your transport will need to be disposed of in a galactic center black hole. 
• Species tX-813.41.6.3 does not respond to any communication based on changing color patterns, flashing lights, sophisticated vector calculations, or most accepted forms of logical discourse. 
• Do not train Species tX-813.41.6.3 to harass, mock, or denigrate the Transcendent Joyous Sphere. Do you remember what happened to the Techno-Fraternal Collective of the Niktonium Sector? Neither does anyone else, except the Transcendent Joyous Sphere — may it thrive in glory eternal!
• Species tX-813.41.6.3 is incapable of visually processing any non-Euclidean geometries or time-space matrices beyond the fourth order. Exposure to these environments will trigger a kind of psychosis, only curable by mass consumption of certain ethyl-hydroxyl solutions. Both the condition and the cure are likely to cause permanent cognitive impairment in a species already regarded as “profoundly limited”.

If you have/will have/have had any questions, concerns, or senses of deep foreboding, please contact a cleric or secular discourse adviser as appropriate to your belief system. 

And remember that whatever happens, you asked for this.